Doors

It's really true that when one door closes another one opens, you just have to keep walking down the hallway to find that open door. What I mean is that while one door closes another one isn't going to simply present itself, you have to keep pushing through to find the next opportunity. So I had that horribly scary night with that one guy last week, and I thought sure enough he had gotten what he wanted (although not fully) but I suppose he thought all was well and IM-ed me yesterday telling me I should go over again, and I asked him point blank if this was a booty call, and this time the jerk off was pretty honest haha he said yes, the nerve! really lol so I turned down the offer and soon after another guy IM-ed me as well, this time it wasnt a booty call or any of the sort just innocent flirting, and joking around, it really did feel like another door had opened, not that I was looking for a boyfriend necessarily, but that after talking to a guy who is less than worthy, i'm lucky to have a sweet friendly guy to flirt with afterwards, and helps me have hope that not all guys are jerk offs ツ for a while I did give up and I was frustrated that no doors had opened for me after Jonathan had broken my heart (so dramatic I know haha) but little things like this just go to show hope still exists 
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-Marybby<3

Where Do You Run To?

I thought today couldn't get any worse, it feels like a part of me has died a little inside.
But the last time I went through this I had someone to run to, someone to hold me and tell me all would be well.
Now I'm out of options. Do I run to the boy down the street who has always been there for me? Do I run to a dear friend of mine who's so far far away, or do I lie down and take the pain. I guess there comes a time in everyone's life where you just have to lie down, and when the worst is over stand back up. Today, tonight, my day has come.

Hope.

It's a very sad moment when you loose all hope for your parents. Today that moment came for me. My parents raised me to listen to peoples story, to give them the benefit of the doubt, not to judge a book by its cover, and that hating takes more energy. But they just love to hate, or so it seems that way anyways, they hate both of my sister in-laws or so it seems that way, they never gave my sister Tiffany a chance, they never really looked at the bigger picture and my dad constantly tried to push my brothers first daughter on to her and didn't give her much of a chance to do so on her own; he was so preoccupied with trying to get her to love my niece so that my niece could be happy he never tried to love Tiffany so that my brother could be happy. While I knew this side of him, I didn't know my mom was just as bad. Today was my cousins baby baptism and most of our family had gathered for it. My mom was complaining about one of my nephews because he's scared of my dad and she blames my sister in law Cynthia and my brother Mando for babying him. -__- he is a baby! and then my mom said "it makes me sick,...we have enough with Natalia we don't need more grandchildren," I felt so sick I wanted to throw up! who was this hating woman? She so often complains that shes not close enough to my brothers three boys and now shes saying she doesnt need them? thats so...so UGLY! Has she really become so bitter?? I really wanted to talk to her and my dad about their ways but when I confronted my mom I told her I wanted to talk to her about something but that if I did I knew we would just get in a huge argument. Her reply was "Then keep it to yourself." This woman felt like a stranger to me, first of all she talked down on her own blood and secondly she didn't care to listen to what I had to say. Today I cried twice, once for my brother who is all alone in Afghanistan and second because I no longer had hope for my parents or my family.


-Marybby</3

Everybody's Fool

Ughh I just really need to let off some steam and say possibly too much info, so if your a reader under hmmm 14 this may not be suitable for you. So earlier today I was feeling a guess kind of blue and a little pissed about the guy that broke my heart years ago; and later this very same day i started chatting with a guy I've known of since middle school (we've never been very close....or close at all for that matter) and so he invites me to watch "Movies"......of course I thought this was a nice way of saying booty call and I wasn't gonna have it so I asked to make sure it was just movies and he agreed so like an idiot I think heyyy why not? people gotta take chances with these things right? it's time for me to at least give moving on a try right?? SO so very wrong -_-
He picks me up. We go to his room. Start watching the movie. Joke. Talk. Flirt. all seemed well. But then the movie ended. We start play fighting he insists on massaging me and it was harmless at first and then I start relaxing a little too much. His hands start wandering to my bottom, and under the back of my shirt, so i give him a stern look and all he can say is "what" like it was as innocent as a kiss on the forehead. So like the idiot I am I go along with it. and then his face started getting dangerously close to mine and well for a while now i knew he had full intention on kissing me I mean for goodness sake he was watching me while I was watching the movie! anyways he starts pulling my arm and brings me to him and keeps trying to kiss me first as if it's so easy, as if I am so easy! then he starts grabbing my hair and the back of my head and i keep pushing back so he starts kissing my neck, my face, and well my cleveage -_- and already by now the boy is hard. So he drags me under him (yes I am a big girl, but this boy is taller and used to play football in middle school, and a bit in high school) and he starts making motions that well mimic sex so basically I'm there being humped -_- and I keep trying to push him off, and close my legs, and for a while he wouldn't give in, and as I'm trying to get him off he thinks it's okay to try and well finger me! ughh the audacity! So while I'm giving it my best to move his hand I finally say in a stern voice to stop, and finally! he gives up. ughhh so we lay there for a couple of seconds we lay there and have a "chat" and who knows how but we started at it again, this time I was a bit more willing. This time I allowed him to kiss me, I mean by now he had already given me hickeys! Maybe I am easy? Maybe I should have just let him have his way with me? I still feel dirty any ways. Everything was going so nice, I was actually feeling comfortable like I didn't have to even try. and there he goes. I expected him to make a move, but I didn't expect him to try to pull all the stops, like WTF! right now I'm not sure I'd talk to him again...maybe I'm being too harsh? Idk I just feel like a fool.

I miss my walls and my safety net.


-Marybby</3

• 
  

Call me an Idiot.

"The funny thing is, nobody really ever knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken, and we wouldn’t even know."

                                                                                                                                   -Unknown

When is it finally enough? I need to be free. I need...........not to care about you anymore. Why can't I be one of those people who knows. Knows who she loves. Knows how to move on and forget. I want you gone like a dream. I woke up crying again...but this time it wasn't you I was crying over, it was me. I was crying over myself. For myself. Why can't I heal? Is it because I've already labeled myself as damaged goods? Is it because I lie to myself and everyone else when I say I don't hurt over you anymore? I try so hard to find someone new and beyond different from you. So why do I still feel like the chains are wrapped all around me? Isn't enough enough? I gave you my best. Dear heart please get better. I promise I wont let them hurt you anymore. They say to let my walls down but then how will I be protected. Who can be my safety net?

no one can be my safety net.

-Marybby<3

A is for Appalled

I was browsing through some blogs and came to one a girl has a eating disorder. She has a bunch of pictures up of wanting to be skinny and there was even a picture of a average sized girl on the floor covered in doughnuts with "fat whore" written on her shirt. I completely understand  the desire to be what society considers beautiful. Believe me i do. Personally I am on the plus size scale but honestly i don't hate myself, sure some days I do look at myself and say gosh I wish I was even just 4 sizes smaller, but these days who doesn't? But after seeing that picture i saw this one <--- what really got to me was the line "current eight 116" w....t...f. 116 is already way too skinny! its like a middle school girls weight! ridiculous...doctors say a healthy weight is for 5 feet  that's 100 Lbs and i think it was every inch after that 5 Lbs  I'm probably wrong about the last part but yeah.. I do know some people who have similar issues with their bodies but this....this is just appalling.  Society is way too concerned with people and their weight/ looks, but of course like my sister in law said "misery loves misery" I don't hate the skin I walk in, no I don't hate the sight of me. But then again I've been lucky in the guy department in having kind gentlemen who accepted me flaws and all. I just wish more women had respect for themselves, in everything not just their weight but also when it comes to men and how they treat them selves in calling themselves whores/sluts/bitches, that just makes it okay for others to as well. Anyways if your a girl reading this I just hope you love yourself for who you are, like lady gaga said "I was born this way."

-Marybby<3

11:11 PM Make a Lovely Wish

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 

                                                                           -Marilyn Monroe

                                 
           I thought about dedicating this post to the boy who really broke my heart and screwed my mind. But whats the point of revisiting the past other than to reflect on the lessons we've learned? I don't think in my case reflecting here would help much I have a bad habit of reflecting on a weekly basis how all the time and effort I put into that "relationship" was for naught. I was 16 when he broke my heart and it was my first love...yes that mushy word indeed LOVE... ughh how I loath him now, I actually saw him sometime back at a restaurant and he gave me that little head nod and his huge cheesy smile...for shame! he actually still had the ability to melt my stone cold heart! I couldn't hate myself any more than I did at that moment! But anyways why title it "11:11 PM Make a Lovely Wish" well even though I really do dislike him now, the moments we spent together were so sweet and lovely, we would talk through all hours of the night till one of us fell asleep(yes these were school nights haha) and he would walk me home after school and then walk all the way back on his own (he lived no where in my direction :)) he was a different person then. I loved that person. He died when he changed. But I'd still thank him for the memories. Thats all.

-Marybby<3